Julia will respond to your concerns in more detail during our next Zoom, which will be scheduled as soon as her twins are out of quarantine and can return to daycare.
For those of you who haven’t met Julia, she is the new Dominica, who was the new Jada, who replaced Tom, who replaced Arjun, who stepped in when Darius left in March. . . Who the hell can remember which March was over.
In the meantime, here’s what we can tell you!
Many of you have wondered if it is normal to feel alone on a boat that moves farther and farther from the shore, to the point of no longer seeing the land, or even remembering that there is a thing such as “earth.”
Yes! This is a perfectly sane answer that in no way indicates that you are becoming “off balance” – as my teenager called me yesterday, hahahahaha.
Many productive employees spend hours lying on their living room floors staring at the ceiling, wondering about the meaning of time, as there seems to be neither past nor future, only a very dull and very long “now”.
In fact, if that’s you, congratulations! You have achieved a wellness goal that the mindfulness community calls being “present.”
We will ask employees who have reached this awakening state to respond to a brief, mostly anonymous survey. If you, or your manager, think that your “mental state” makes it harder to meet the performance standards we have started measuring with our new tracking software, please contact HR (at your own pace, otherwise it will further weaken your performance. performance figures, hahahaha).
As we explained in our previous awareness campaigns, our investment in tools capable of tracking strokes, eye movements, body changes, and using Netflix is an employee benefit that helps you be the worker you want to be.
Regarding the dress code, and whether it will be relaxed in the future to allow “soft pants”, slippers and top work clothes only:
We will maintain our “dress and dress shoes” policy, but we are delighted to announce a “fashion freeze” for a period of six months. Anything that was trendy in March 2020 will be acceptable in Q1 and Q2 2043.
Hi, quick note, it’s Alyssa! I replace Rose, the human resources girl who wrote to you at the beginning of this note. Rose left to spend more time with her family (wink, hahahaha).
Oh, I have been alerted to a policy change. From tomorrow, we will make a smooth comeback, and return to the office in a hybrid way, at 9am sharp. Please plan childcare, transportation and weight loss accordingly.
Your manager, if he still knows where in the world, or even who you are, will contact you with the time slots assigned to you. Workers should plan to be in the office 2.5 days a week, spread over five days, alternating mornings and afternoons.
In response to the question no one has asked yet, we don’t know if you will have your same office.
During this period of “working alone together”, the calculators showed management figures documenting hundreds of thousands of dollars in annual savings if we move to a “hostel” style office plan. This allows multiple employees to share an office – at the same time – and has the added benefit of speeding up the “so happy to meet” period.
In response to questions about HR policy violations, please note that our policies will remain the same, with one important update: preferably by the vaccinated.
And finally . . . Please enjoy the “Welcome!” goodie bag on your little desk scratch! The $ 20.43 deduction you’ll notice on your paycheck goes to cover the costs of the brand’s gourmet gummy bears and fragile tote bag selected by my predecessor as its final act. Thanks Rose!